Sunday, 3 July 2011

Boo to Boots....

Sporadically I get this intense feeling of utter and intense panic.

 Lately I've been getting it a lot. I think about's not the pain or process of dying- that doesn't bother me. No, it's the fear of not existing anymore. Of nothingness... the world carrying on and no me.

It terrifies me when I really think about it. I mean how utterly surreal to think that I will cease. That I will be reduced to matter, the atoms that form me will form into something else. Maybe in a few hundred years I will form part of a vehicle or a tree or a pair of boots!

I don't nor do I believe I will ever have a belief in a greater life after death in a religeous kind of way- you know- in a heaven or in re-incarnation etc. I truly believe that there is no real purpose to existance- just randomness and pure chance. I wish I had the comfort of faith- but I don't.

We as humans understand the concept of a beginning and an end and understand that death exists- I believe we have developed our belief systems as coping mechanisms.

All I know is the here and now- I try and seize the day everyday- but get bogged down by the daily stresses of an incredibly stressful job, of managing money, of negotiating relationships and affairs of the heart.

Not being scares me like nothing else. Not existing, not feeling, no sunshine on my face, not being with those I love. I love love. I love life.

Not being's too much to get my head around.